The Rev. Dr. Kenneth H. Saunders III
Greeneville, TN
Have you ever noticed how quickly a disagreement can become something much bigger than the original problem? Especially in the Church. A simple misunderstanding becomes a hurt feeling... A hurt feeling becomes a conversation we avoid... The conversation we avoid starts to become built-up resentment. And before long, we are no longer arguing about what happened; we are arguing about what we think the other person meant, what we think they always do, and what we think they will never change. And if you have ever been part of a church, you know that even people who love Jesus can be incredibly good at this.
Today’s Gospel is what I like to call Jesus’ quick tips for resolving Church conflict. Because, Lord knows, the Church has plenty of conflict. And I suspect that if Jesus were giving this advice today, he might begin by saying… “Before you send that email, post that comment, or forward that message to three other people, stop… stop and take a breath.” Because we live in a world where disagreement is everywhere.
We see it in our politics, in our communities, and increasingly in the ways we speak to one another. A difference of opinion can easily become a personal attack. A disagreement about an issue can become a judgment about someone’s character. And sometimes, the folks who claim to be defending Christian values seem to have forgotten the “Christian” part.
We have all seen how quickly a conversation can turn into a contest… not simply about who’s right or wrong, but about who gets to win. And that is not an entirely new idea. I spent a few of my younger years on the debate team in High School, and I dabbled a bit in collegiate debate when I was in college. Through those experiences, I learned that there is a distinct difference between disagreement and disrespect.
Debate, at its best, is about listening... Listening, thinking, and then making a case… Treating each other with respect during any civil discourse can help us discover what we believe and why we believe it. Healthy debate can lead to progress and change. But even when disagreement is healthy, it can still be difficult.
It’s difficult because we are human. And as reasonable human beings, we have a need to be understood… we want to be respected… We want validation that our concerns matter. And sometimes, if we are honest with ourselves, we want to win. The problem is that we can begin to tie our sense of worth to being right. And when that happens, someone else’s disagreement can feel like a personal attack and a threat to our identity. That is when the conversation becomes a conflict. And that is why today’s Gospel lesson matters.
Jesus does not pretend that his followers will always agree. He doesn’t promise that the church will be a place where everyone thinks alike, votes alike, or sees every issue in exactly the same way. Instead, Jesus acknowledges something that we already know... That we are going to disagree. The question is not whether conflict will happen. The question is what we will do when it does. And Jesus gives us a way forward.
The first step is simple, but it may be the hardest... “If another member of the church sins against you, he says, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone.” In other words, talk TO and WITH the person. He doesn’t say talk about the person or around the person. He definitely doesn’t say, "Talk to everyone else first." He says, go and talk TO the person.
Now, I know that sounds obvious. But how often do we actually do that? How often do we have the difficult conversation in our heads, rehearse all the things we want to say, and then decide that it would be easier just to avoid the person altogether? Or worse yet, disparage the person rather than have a conversation with them.
I had a mentor once who, when talking about difficult tasks, would say, “If you have to swallow a frog, make sure that you swallow the big ugly one first.” I have never been entirely sure where that saying came from, but I have found it useful over the years. Because sometimes the big, ugly frog is the conversation we have been putting off. And sometimes, when we finally have that conversation, we discover that what we thought was happening was not what was happening at all.
A tone of voice was misunderstood. A comment was taken the wrong way. Someone was having a difficult day. Someone else was carrying a burden we knew nothing about. And sometimes, of course, the hurt is real. But even then, a direct conversation can be the beginning of healing.
Jesus is not telling us to ignore conflict. He is telling us to face it honestly, directly, and with the hope of reconciliation. And notice that Jesus says, “when the two of you are alone.” There is wisdom in that. Because when we bring an audience into a disagreement, we often bring our pride along with it.
The second step, Jesus says, is to invite one or two others to help. In other words, if you cannot work it out on your own, ask for help. That is not a sign of failure. It is a sign of maturity. Sometimes we need someone who can listen to both sides, help us see what we are missing, and remind us that the goal is not to win an argument but to restore a relationship. That’s important because there are times when we are so determined to prove that we are right that we forget to ask whether the relationship is worth saving.
The third step is to bring the matter before the church. Now, to me, that sounds a little intimidating. But remember, this is advice given to a Christian community. Jesus is not describing a public spectacle or a church-wide gossip session. He is describing a community that takes responsibility for the well-being of its members.
The church is not simply a place where we come together because we agree. It is a place where we learn how to live together when we don’t agree. That is part of what makes Christian community so challenging, and so beautiful at the same time. We are not all the same. We don’t have the same experiences, or the same backgrounds... the same opinions, or the same ways of seeing the world. But we are called to love one another. And that means we have to learn how to disagree without destroying one another.
Now, the Gospel does speak of a final step, when someone refuses to listen to the community... And that can be a pretty serious matter. And we should be careful not to use this passage to justify shunning or banning anyone who disagrees with us. Jesus is not giving us permission to turn the church into a place where only the people who think like us belong.
In fact, the very next words remind us of the heart of the Gospel... “Where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.” Jesus is present not ONLY when we agree, but also when we are trying to find our way through our disagreement. Jesus is present when we listen to one another… and when we ask for forgiveness. Jesus is present when we try to understand someone whose experiences differ from our own. Jesus is present when we are struggling to find a way forward... and when we are trying to decide what it means to love our neighbor in a world that seems increasingly divided.
Because the goal of Christian community is not to create a place where everyone agrees with everyone else. The goal is to create a place where everyone is loved, everyone is valued, and everyone is invited to grow into the likeness of Christ. That doesn’t mean we will never hurt one another. Or never misunderstand one another. Or never have difficult conversations. What it means is that when those things happen, we do not have to face them alone. We have one another. And we have Jesus.
So perhaps the next time we find ourselves in a disagreement, we might remember a few things from today’s Gospel. First, talk openly to the person. Second, ask for help when you need it. Third, remember that the goal is reconciliation, not victory. And finally, remember that Jesus is there with us.
He is there in our difficult conversations... He is there in the awkward silence... He is there in the apology. He is there in the work of forgiveness. And Jesus is even there in the moments when we are still trying to figure out how to live together. Because that is what it means to be church. Not a community of people who always agree, but a community of people who are learning, day by day, how to love one another as Christ has loves us.
